A mother and her 5-year-old daughter were preparing dinner when Five-year-old Tommy was crying in the car on the way home from church. His mother asked him “What’s wrong”. Tommy replied, “The minister said he wanted me to live in a good Christian home but I want to live with you guys”.
A hen goes into the library and says to the librarian “book, book, book” The librarian gave her a book and she went away but the hen returned to the library and said “book, book, book, book”. The librarian gave her another book but the hen returned a short time later and said “book, book, boo”. The librarian gave her another book and this time followed the hen to find out where she was taking the books. The hen dropped the book in front of the frog who said “read it, read it, read it”
A Minister announced to his congregation one Sunday morning, “We are raising money for a new building and the first person who pledges $1000 can choose the next three hymns.” One spinster stood up and announced “I’ll do it.” The Minister answered “That wonderful now which three hymns do you choose?” The lady then looked around the congregation and said, “I choose him, him, and him.”
Adam was all alone in the Garden of Eden when God said “I will create a woman for you, she will do all of your cooking and cleaning, she will bear your children and never complain. She will be submissive to you and respect you always and never answer back to you.” Adam asked “How much will she cost me”? God answered “An arm an a leg.” Adam asked “What can I get for a rib?” And as they say, all the rest is history.
A couple were meeting with the minister in preparation or their marriage the following day. The groom took the minister to one side and said, “When you give the speech could you leave out the bit about forsaking all others and honour and cherish?” He then handed the minister a $100 note. At the wedding the minister said to the groom “Do you take this woman to be your wife, to honor and cherish, forsaking all others and to promise to take her breakfast in bed every morning ad the clean the toilet every day?” The groom whispered to the minister “What about our arrangement?.” The minister gave him back is $100 back and said “Your wife made me a better offer.”
The teen age son of a minister asked his father f he could have the keys to his car. The father replied, “If you get your grades up, read the bible more, and get your haircut I will let you drive the car in 6 months time.” After the 6 months was up, the son asked his father if he could drive. The father said ” I am proud of you soon, your grades are up and you are reading the bible every day but how about getting your hair cut?” The son answered “I have been thinking about that Dad, Moses had long hair, Samson had long hair, and even Jesus himself had long hair.” The father responded “Yes son, and everywhere they went, they walked.”
Two fishermen were on opposite sides o the river bank when the first fisherman said “Hey, did you see that?” The other fisherman said “no”. “A car tyre floating down the river.” The first fisherman then said “Hey did you see that?” The second fisherman said “no, what?” The first fisherman said, “Someone’s gumboot floating down the river.” after the first fisherman said “Hey did you see that?” By this time, the first fisherman was getting on the other fisherman’s nerves so he said abruptly “Yes, I did see that.” The first fisherman replied “Why did you stand in it for then?”
A mother and her 5-year-old daughter were preparing the evening meal when he mother was trying to get the last bit of tomato sauce out of the bottle so she was hitting the bottom of the bottle to get the sauce out. JUst then the telephone rang. It was the pastor of the church. The mother told her daughter to answer the phone as she is busy. The daughter picked up the phone and it was the pastor of the church. The mother told her daughter tell him that she cannot come to the phone and to tell the pastor exactly what she is doing so the little girl said to the pastor “Mummy can’t come to the phone right now, she’s hitting the bottle.”
Three Ministers were in a boat on the lake when one of them said, why don’t we reveal our biggest sin ad leave all our confessions on the lake? It was agreed so the first Minister said, “My biggest sin is alcohol, I love to have a drink of whisky now and again.” The second Minister said, “My biggest sin is gambling, I love to sneak out at night and go to the casino.” They looked at the third Minister and said, well what is your biggest sin? The third Minister replied, “My biggest sin is that I am a compulsive gossip and boy I cannot wait to get off this boat.”
An eccentric 85-year-old millionaire was hosting his birthday party. This man had a large swimming pool with alligators and sharks in it and announced “I will give the person brave enough to swim the length of the pool anything he wants.” Next moment there was a big splash and one man was swimming for dear life avoiding the sharks ad alligators and finally made it to the end in one piece where he quickly got out of the pool. The millionaire said “I am impressed, now what is it you want and I will give it to you.” The man still relieved to be alive said, “I want the name of the person who pushed me into the pool.”
A Scottish pub was serving alcohol at 1930s prices when a couple walked in and sat down. After an hour of waiting without ordering anything the waitress asks “You two not ordering?” The gentleman replied “We are waiting for the happy hour.”
A man drove into a country town and stopped by a convenience store. outside was a boy and a dog. The man asked the boy through the car window “Does your dog bite?” The boy answered “No sir, my dog does not bite.” So than man gets out of the car to get some provisions when the dog took a big chunk out of the man’s arm. He said to the boy, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite.” The boy answered “That’s not my dog.”
A woman died in a car accident and arrived at the gates of heaven. St Peter said to her, “Before I let in in you have to spell a word.” The woman replied “What word?” St Peter said “Spell Love.” The woman answered L-O-V-E” St Peter let her in and said. I have to go away for a while so I need you to wait at the gate and ask anyone who wishes to enter to spell as word.” The next moment the woman’s ex-husband arrives at the gates and said “I just died in a car accident.” The woman said, “Before I let you in you have to spell a word.” He replied “What word?” She answered “Spell Czechoslovakia.”
George took his extended family to Israel and while there his mother-in-aw died. George was ace with a choice-to have his mother-in-law buried in Israel for $100 or have her body taken back to New Zealand and buried there for $10,000. After giving it some though he chose to have her body taken back to New Zealand. At the funeral, George’s mate said to him, “You must have really loved your mother-n-law to do what you did.” George replied “Not really, you see more than 2000 years ago a man was buried in Jerusalem and came back to life there days later and I wasn’t going to take that chance.”
A minister was travelling around the outback o Australia preaching. One Sunday he arrived at this little church in the middle of no where to preach but only one person arrived to hear the words of wisdom, a farmer. The minister asked him, “Shall I continue with the sermon?” The farmer said, “Put it this way, if I went out to feed the cows and only one animal turned up I would still feed it.” So the minister began preaching his sermon and three hours later had finished. The minister then said to the farmer, “What did you think of the sermon?” The farmer replied, “Put it this way, if I went out to feed the cows and only one animal turned up I sure wouldn’t dump the whole load on to it.”
A woman was struck down by a mystery illness was in a coma. She said to God, “Is this it?” God replied, “No, I will bring you out of this coma and you will live for another forty years.” When she was well enough to leave the hospital, she went for a complete makeover and got a new hair style but as she was leaving the hairdressers she was run down by a bus on the road and killed. At heaven she said thought you said I had 40 more years to live.” God replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognise you.”
In heaven, God asked all of the men who were the head of their home to stand in one line and the men who let their wives be the head of their house to stand in another line. The line where the wives were the head of their household was several miles long while in the line where the husband was the head stood just one man. God said to the men who let their wives be the head of their household, “I’m ashamed of you men-you let your women rule you instead of being the man I created you to be.” He turned to the only man standing in the line for the men who were the head of their home and said to him, “I’m proud of you for being the head of your your household, now explain to all tese other men how you come to be the head of your house-hold.” The bewildered man replied, “I don’t know-my wife told me to stand here.”
A mother was getting ready for church one Sunday morning and said to her son, “Wake up, we have to go to church this morning.” The son replied “I’m not going.” His mother responded, “What do you mean your’e not going to church?” The son replied, I will give you two reasons, one the people at church don’t like me and two, I don’t like the people at the church.” His mother responded, “Son-I will give you two reasons why you need to go to church, one yiou are 49 years old and two, you are the pastor.”
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